


A Setter's Favorite

by OikawaChanceBall



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anal Sex, Deepthroating, Dildos, Dirty Talk, Don't @ Me, Face-Fucking, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Light Sadism, M/M, Masochism, Milkbread, Object Insertion, Satire, Sexy, Ushijima Wakatoshi - Freeform, Yaoi, aoba johsai, innapropriate use of milkbread, iwaoi - Freeform, mentioned charas, oiiwa - Freeform, this is a joke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:20:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27691282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OikawaChanceBall/pseuds/OikawaChanceBall
Summary: After his loss to Karasuno, Oikawa is feeling a bit down. His best friend, Iwaizumi Hajime decides to go over and try to cheer him up with his favorite snack.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 7
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter One: Comin' Over and Comin' Hard

* * *

Oikawa was having a pretty rough day. Not going to nationals for the third time in his high school career was very emotionally draining for the volleyball playing twink. It was his third and final year playing for Aoba Johsai’s team and still he had never kicked Ushijima’s ass like he had always said he would. He would sit in his room all night looking at the footage of his past games, wondering what went wrong in his life as he hugged his precious volleyball close to him. There were tears streaming down his beautiful face, he was just about ready to throw himself out of the window of his apartment; that’s when he got the text.    
Iwaizumi Hajime was never the type to text first, but as Oikawa’s best friend since grade school, he had noticed something had been off.

_**Iwa-Chan:** ru busy shittykawa _

_**Flat-King:** never too busy for my precious iwa chan ~♥️♥️♥️ _

_**Iwa-Chan:** I’m coming over _

_**Flat-King:** who said you were invited??? _ _  
  
_

_**Iwa-Chan:** me. Right now. _ _  
  
_

_**Flat-King:** >>::^^(((( _

Oikawa’s heart raced at the thought of Iwa coming over so suddenly, especially when he was in such a vulnerable state. Sure, it was 3 in the afternoon, but he was still in his horrible hand me down pajamas that he’s had since middle school. The setter did his best to fix himself up at least SLIGHTLY before his childhood friend and crush would be over-

And just like that Oikawa heard the sound of the doorbell. Iwaizumi must have killed at least 1 person on his way there, judging by how fast he had to drive to get there so quickly. He opened the door sheepishly, Iwa standing there in front of him with a few shopping bags in his hand.   
_ “I brought snacks, asshole.” _

With a grin, Iwa invited himself in as Oikawa mentally ran through how to not act suspicious.   
Iwa looked up at him curiously. __

_ “You know for somebody with a personality as shitty as yours, you’re pretty quiet today.” _ _  
_ Oh god, he was being so obvious. Fuck.   
_ “I was just thinking about how horrible you look today~” _ he wasn’t really in the mood to tease today, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t gonna pretend he was. 

_ “You’re a horrible liar, Oikawa.” _ Iwa muttered, folding his arms and raising an eyebrow menacingly. Oikawa thought that this was pretty damn hot, his Iwa-chan always looked so attractive when he looked annoyed with his antics.    
_ “Ok fine, I’ve just got a lot on my mind. I’m not just a beautiful face you know, I think about stuff!” _ _  
_ Iwa smirked  _ “Are you really so sure about that?” _ he laughed at the sight of Oikawa’s “betrayed” face. Before he had even noticed, his best friend had moved in closer, nearly pinning Oikawa against the wall. “ _ You wanna know what kind of snacks I got, Tooru?”  _ Iwa-chan whispered huskily in Kawa’s ear, a bulge starting to form in slacks. He never called him by his full name, but it didn’t feel weird… it was kinda sexy to be honest. 

_ “Wh-What did you get, Iwa-Chan?” _

Iwaizumi dug through the shopping bag for a minute and what Oikawa saw turned him from a sad boy into a man, the manliest of men. It was his favorite, **_MILK BREAD_**! “Oh Iwa-Chan, you know me so well!” although he was happy at the sight of the snack, there was a look he didn’t trust in Iwa’s eyes. His eyes reeked of evil and sex, the kind of look you would see in one of those ugly bastard NTR stories. _“Oh I know you well alright, I know what you like to do with your milk bread in private, kitten.”_ Iwaizumi purred hornily, reaching down to palm at his growing erection. Oikawa himself was starting to get an erection of his own, one that strained painfully against his PJ’s. At this point he was willing to let Iwa do anything he pleased with him. _“Here let me help you outta those clothes”_ Suddenly Iwazumi’s big, meaty hands were on Oikawa and he ripped the setter’s jammies off in the blink of an eye. Oikawa could hear the sounds of Iwa ripping open the packaging of the milk bread with a soft “Open up, buttercup.” Without warning, Iwazumi shoved the entire loaf of Milk Bread down Oikawa’s throatal cavity. The sexy setter’s eyes shot wide open, rolling into the back of his head as he gagged blissfully around the bread loaf. Oikawa’s massive dick was standing at a full 10 inch attention, leaking pre-cum as his wing spiker began to violently facefuck him with the snack. As he choked, Iwa’s fingers trailed around towards Oikawa’s weeping hole. Next thing you know, his ass was full with his friend’s monstrous fingers.

The setter cried out around the Milky Bread Loaf™. Without even realizing it had happened, Iwa had removed the loaf from his throat, tearing open a second package from behind him. With the fingers he had just removed from Oikawa, Iwa began to work the milk bread into a dildo-like form (Complete with ridges like a bad dragon dildo. Maybe he should be a sculpture major???).  _ “O-Oh my, look at those delicious chance balls,” _ Oikawa stammered, still trying to catch his breath from the vigorous oral assault from a few seconds ago. Iwa chuckled, pushing the taller man down onto his bed with legs spread, _ “And it’s all for you, thank you very much~”  _

__ Without missing a beat, Iwaizumi slam-jammed the loaf into Oikawa’s anal cavity. 

_ “Bet you like it when I fuck you with your milk bread, you yeast ass bitch.”  _ In and out, in and out, the bread dildo entered and re-entered without a shred of mercy. He could feel every inch of the bread cock against his inner walls and prostate. Tooru Oikawa was experiencing the most powerful out-of-body experience of his life, his face forming into an ahegao as he screamed like he just lost a game to Shiratorizawa. “I-Iwa-chan, I’m gonna scoregasm-” The brunette warned, but it was too late. Oikawa busted the fattest nut of his life that day, cum spewing out of his cockhead like a fire hose. His fluids covered both him and Iwa-chan’s hot volleyball-ready bodies, some of it getting on the walls because Oikawa’s cumshots were as strong as his jump serves. The two of them stayed still for a moment, gazing into each other’s eyes as Oikawa tried to catch his breath. “I think you broke my ass, Iwa-chan,” The taller boy said slightly worried about the condition of his beautiful flat buttocks. Iwa simply laughed this off as he wiped the semen off of his face, “Well it’s like you told me; If you’re gonna hit it, hit it till it breaks…” The two of them shared a hearty laugh together, not bothering to remove the bread from Tooru’s ass.

And so Oikawa went to practice that week with the milk bread fossilizing inside his asshole.

**THE**

**END.**

* * *


	2. Chapter Two: A Shocking Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sexy Doctor Gets Beaten to Death NOT CLICKBAIT **EMOTIONAL** GAGAGAGAGAGAA

It had been one month since Oikawa and Iwaizumi’s fateful night with the milk bread, one month since Oikawa’s whole world was flipped upside down and shoved up his ass. Despite so much time having passed since their bread sexcapade, Oikawa remembered it all as if it had only just happened the night before. He couldn’t stop thinking about how Iwa had lovingly fucked his every orifice, but too much had been weighing on his mind recently for the setter to be able to face him. 

Ever since the night with his crush, he had been waking up and vomiting for a month now. To make matters worse, his body felt like it was trying to kill itself, the cramps being almost unbearable. All he could do was avoid thinking about it too much before calling in to book an appointment with his doctor. He knew that Iwa absolutely hated doctors. The last time Oikawa had brought him along to his yearly physical, Iwa only just narrowly avoided the assault charges after the doctor said the brunette had been a bit out of shape after his volleyball retirement. 

_ “Can’t believe the nerve of that guy…. The nerve of that asshole!” _

_ Oikawa had enough practice trying to contain his friend’s rage at this point to know to drag him out of the building against his will. _

And today was the day! Oikawa was going to show up to his appointment WITHOUT IWAIZUMI. Yep! Exactly how that was gonna go.   
**_BEFORE_ ** _ IWA FIGURED HIM OUT. _

God, he wished he was a better liar because this motherfucker was like a goddamn mind reader. Iwa was one step from domestic assault upon hearing what the setter had been planning.   
“You really think I can’t handle going with you?? You’re my boyfriend, shittykawa!!!”   
“But Iwa, every fucking time I’ve taken you with me, you have to act like an Antivaxx Karen. How are we going to convince the judge to acquit you this time?” The wing spiker had heard enough; he was going along with Oikawa to his appointment whether he got the police called on him or not. 

* * *

“Oh my, look at that delicious uterus! Don’t mind if I do, thank you!” The doctor spread the clear gel across Oikawa’s abdomen, prompting him to jump a little at the doctor’s touch. “What are you doing? I thought it was just the flu..” The brunette sighed softly, Iwa doing his best to behave in the corner. The doctor moved a strange device across Oikawa’s abdomen, once again startling the setter.   
“Wow, would you look at that!! Looks like it’s twins!” he gestured towards the screen and the couple’s jaws collectively dropped to the floor. “What the fuck is the meaning of this,” Iwa roared, bolting out of his seat with his fists clenched as tight as his asscheeks. The two could barely make out the shadow of two loaves… 

_ TWO LOAVES OF MILKBREAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  _

_   
_ __ “I’ve never seen anything like it before,” the doctor mused, putting a hand over his chin like a wiseman. “It’s not everyday that someone comes into this place carrying loaves of bread inside their womb.” The couple sat in complete shock, how was this possible?  **_The Milkbread impregnated Oikawa!_ ** Iwa didn’t know who he wanted to hurt more, Oikawa or the doctor?

And just like that Iwa made his decision and began to beat the doctor to death with his own bare hands, soon upgrading to hitting him with his chair over and over.    
  
Now Oikawa had to give birth to two loaves of bread AND go to his doctor’s funeral…. What the hell, Iwa? Literally no respect for his schedule smh. Iwa stood over the doctor’s lifeless corpse and let out a primal scream of victory, nearly turning this story into an omegaverse fic. It wasn’t even a day later when Oikawa and Iwaizumi began the long divorce court battle. Iwa’s lawyers tried to fight for custody of his two bread loaf children when a shrouded figure burst into the courtroom. “Wait! He’s not the father!” The room was full of gasps as heads turned to see who had so boldly interrupted the hearing.   
**It was the loaf of milkbread!!!!!!!!**

**Author's Note:**

> this was a joke fic Lemon and yours truly wrote together on stream
> 
> don't @ me


End file.
